Our prelim adoption application went to our agency in this morning’s mail.
Holy crap. We’re actually going to be someone’s parents one of these days.
My Resolve Group kicks ass September 28, 2006
It’s a good day day for my real life Resolve Group. One of our vets has gotten a beautiful, strong, positive beta today from her donor egg cycle. The Good Doctor D has been through hell and back and finally got to transfer after more mishaps than you can shake a stick at. It’s always a good day when an infertile gets to start moving over to the other side, but when one of your sisters who has wept with you and raged with you, and taken you out shopping when your world is ending and you just can’t face your MIL–well that is a different kind of joy altogether.
Even better is when your group understands that this joyful news also can come as a swift kick in the gut, and when you enviously think “Why her and not me?? Why didn’t I stay home and use her RE instead of flying halfway around the world??” They love you anyways, and they understand.
If you have a spare moment, send happy doubling vibes to Doctor D. Hold thumbs, and keep the Nothing Bad Has Happened Yet mantra going.
Definitely an E Ticket Ride September 27, 2006
You never know when you are going to run into one of us infertiles.
I ended up spend hours after work officially ended today chatting up one of my co-workers. It turns out I managed to ask a right question and suddenly we were talking about all her infertility history. How they had the testing and were told they would have to spend 20K for a less than 20% chance back a decade ago. And how the same amount of money would be needed. And how her husband already had kiddos from a previous marriage. And how they just sort of stopped because they didn’t feel they had the stamina or the money to go forward. And so they just feel a little frozen on the subject.
Co-worker had never talked to anyone about this. Ever. We both ended up in tears-it was lovely really. She showed true infertile colors though and came to the party with her bitter up. She invited me to come down to her office any time for a celebration in Barren Land.
“You know Bebe-it’s like Disney’s worst nightmare. You have to spend thousands of dollars for a ticket, and you just sit around watching everyone else get to ride all the rides.” Of course there would be a few rides-like Alice’s adventures with the Wand Monkey or Mr. Toad’s Wild Beta. But for the most part you just spend your time dodging stupid fertiles and idiot fertility clinic staff.
At least they serve booze & chocolate in BarrenLand-and who wouldn’t want that?
And now for something completely different September 25, 2006
What’s this? Something unrelated to my female reproductive issues?
Sometimes one’s next door neighbor motivates one to think out of the infertility box.
Haiku to my neighbor who acts as his own subcontractor
Most splendid weekend
So why wait for Monday night
To use your loud saw?
The Evolution of Our Adoption September 25, 2006
I still have a hard time believing I may never see two pink lines, that I may never experience a kick from the inside. I hoped to give birth, maybe a c section, but honestly really thought I had a shot at that squeezing a bowling ball out the hoo-hah. I mourn this passing so deeply, some days more than others. Tonight as I read emails from kick-ass friends who are transferring blasts (why oh why did I never get a single blastocyst??) I feel near the pit of despair.
To bring myself back from the edge, I have to remind myself why we made this choice. Because it is so surreal to me that I have adoption books on my bedside table. I mean adoption???
Back in the day, I had a lot of opinions about adoption. I cringe to think of them now. Through my work I met a lot of really messed up kids, a large proportion of which were adopted. It became a streotype-one I am not proud of. I included birthmothers in that stereotype, mostly because I could not fathom giving up a child.
I’ve done a lot of reading and thinking this season. learning the adoption lingo like making a plan rather than giving up. I’ve lurked among the birthmother bloggers, who terrified me at first. Since then I’ve evolved into a tremendous respect for first mothers. I’ve been tracking down adoptees and been amazed at the diversity of stories-some beautiful some tragic. I’ve been tiptoeing into the adoption community for a while now, and surprisingly it feels more comfortable now than the IVFers.
I wish I didn’t have to be here.
I wish there wasn’t some woman out there who felt like she had to make a plan for her child.
I wish that our future child didn’t have to go through the pain of losing his or her first family.
I wish all sides of our yet to be formed triangle didn’t have to feel such pain and loss.
And yet, and yet
I have seen adoption done really beautifully. Where it really works. Where all the parents commit to a child. Where love works in a way no one imagined. Where I think that maybe just maybe this will be okay. Different, but okay.
Please oh please let it be okay.
The ‘A’ Word September 21, 2006
Anybody here anymore?
I don’t blame you as I’ve been a crappy blogger. Let’s call it part intimidation (holy shit there are a lot of you people out there!) part lack of time (busiest time of the year at my job) and part decision making process (we’re getting somewhere!)
And probably the getting somewhere is the most important part of this here deal. We’ve decided that we just can’t handle another failed IVF. And since there is just no way to order up only the successful kind of IVF’s , well there won’t be any more 22 guage needles in my future.
We considered some child free action for a while. Honest! I have sites bookmarked to prove it! But the siren song of cute baby clothes and that delicious infant smell wouldn’t let me go. The DH and I feel such a need to parent.
Which freaks me out.
Do you know that one girl? The one infertility patient who ever so smugly says she would never adopt? That she just didn’t understand how people could do that? That would be me. I am that girl. And the big ol’ slice of karma was very tasty thankyouverymuch.
So yeah. This is now officially an adoption blog. And it’s going to be one of those awfully squishy domestic ones. Hopefully one with lots of openness. And breastfeeding. And heaven help me, lots of ranting about how every single freakin’ person says I’m going to get knocked up within six months of said adoption. Karma has a good laugh at my expense with that one.
Wow. Who would have thought? I’m adopting
