Better Now November 29, 2006

Feeling a wee bit better these days, as always making plans gives the illusion of control. Chicken Soup for The Infertile Soul perhaps.
I booked us into a baby care class for adoptive parents. It includes a section on the growth and development of the adoptive family. I am so grateful that we have this resource, partly because it has been a loooong time since I’ve changed a diaper. I’m relieved that I can do this without having to be around super pregnant people. Babies I can deal with, the preggos? Not so much.   I’m also grateful that they will talk about raising adopted children. Hopefully it will help us tap into a community here.

I’ve also started up the meds again for adoptive breastfeeding.  I stopped them for the biopsy when I realized the domperidone was doing it’s real job and making my stomach feel better.  I have no idea if i’ll actually lactate, but between the dom and the gluten-free diet my digestive tract is feeling fabulous.

Now if the cleaning fairies would just show up, life would be grand.

Melancholy Baby November 27, 2006

I’m having a hard time adjusting to this adoption thing.

Yesterday we got started on getting the house ready for homestudy, and instead of excited, all I could feel was little bubbles of grief coming up to the surface.

But we are getting ready for our baby! We are moving furniture to make room for our baby’s nursery.

I tried to tell myself that. The Hub tried to tell me that, all I could think of was “Nope, we are getting ready for a social worker to come over and check us out.” It all became real yesterday.  We have a social worker. We have a homestudy to finish. Because we are adopting.  We aren’t trying to get pregnant, we are adopting.

One would think I would be cognizant of this, seeing how I was an integral part of the decision making process that led up to a social worker checking us out. And I was, I am.  It’s the corollary that seems to have taken me by surprise, yet again.  And yet again, I’m floored by how much it hurts to not be able to carry a child in my womb.

But remember how badly it hurt when the donor cycle failed. And the doctor in South Africa said the frozen embies are not of great quality. You still shake everytime you pass the RE’s office, and you swore you were not going to stick another needle in your ass again.

My heart lurches at the thought of doing treatment again. I wish I was stronger and we had more money to keep trying it. The treatment is tantalizing and tempting. One more cycle might do the trick. Perhaps a different donor.  The problem is that those treatments don’t really treat, at least not for me. They have taken a huge part of me, of my life. Would it be too melodramtic to say my soul? Probably. I think it might just be accurate though.

All we have left to us is adoption.  I know this. I think this is the right path for us. The hub thinks this is the right path for us.  Now though, it is real.  Even when we were almost matched, it didn’t seem real. It felt like visiting D!sneyland.  Wonderful and exhilirating, just like your favorite ride.  And being real means that not only do we have to move the office and the catbox and clean the carpets, but I have to fully let go of chasing pregnancy and embrace adoption.

So that’s my day, cleaning the house, letting the grief bubble up, and preparing for what comes next.

Gratitude November 26, 2006

First the good:

Thanksgiving was a lovely time. Just the hub and me. I decided after much dithering to go gluten-free for the holiday. It turned out to be an excellent decision on my part, as we had lots of yummy holiday treats, and I did not feel gross at all. Especially lovely was the Sweet Potato Cranberry Bake which was fab, and the equally delish Pumpkin Butter Gooey Cakes (with gluten-free cake mix, natch). Although fortunately I went with the lovely blogger This Little Piglet instead of the supah annoying Paula Deen and went with less sugar. Next time I think I’ll add even more pumpkin. Luckily The Hub aka Pickiest Eater In The Land enjoyed it as well. We didn’t even miss the stuffing!

The Hub and I enjoyed our holiday just the two of us. After the losses of this year, we weren’t really in the mood for flying all over the country to visit with family. We talked a bit about being thankful, although honestly we are thankful this crappy year is almost over. Then the Hub did all the dishes, which sent me to new levels of being grateful for him.

We spent the rest of the weekend recovering from colds and knitting (me) and puttering around the house and watching football (he). We managed to catch the new James Bond movie, where we both got plenty of eye candy. Now we are working on *gasp* getting ready for our homestudy visit later this week.

Mostly I spent the weekend pondering the fact that even though my life is nothing like I hoped and planned, there are small gifts like dishes done or hot movie stars or sudden unexpected snowfall, and I can be grateful for those little things.

Little Nurse Sunshine November 18, 2006

I have survived the fabulous trip to the GI doctor, complete with nice nurses who explain the whole process while they are checking you in, people who know how to do a relatively painless needle into the veins, and a pleasant doctor who wasn’t seeming to be counting up how many BMW’s he would be earning whilst looking at my innards. Obviously, none of them have ever worked in a fertility clinic.

During my stint in the recovery room, however, I seemed to find a good candidate for the RE’s office. I awoke to find my hair & left shoulder quite wet. Ewwwwww. Pretty damn concerning if you ask me. I groggily asked Nurse Sunshine what hell happened to my shoulder. Her response: “You don’t need to worry about that.”

Oh. OK.

And darnit if I wasn’t too drugged up to really argue with her. I hate it when my finely honed medical advocacy skills are screwed up by the drugs. I didn’t even get a chance to ask her if she would be interested in a promising career in the reproductive endocrinology field.

So long farewell. November 14, 2006

We are no longer matched with crazy potential b-mom. It’s a relief actually. I’m amazed at how much easier these things are when it’s your choice to end things, rather than random medical crap that doesn’t work out.

Tomorrow also is my last day with my pal gluten. My farewell tour is almost over, to which my intestinal tract can only say a hearty Amen. Gluten and I plan to have a torrid last night, with crusty bread and fluffy cakes and trashing of hotel rooms. Truly a rock star sendoff methinks.

If it weren’t so late at night here, I’m sure I could come up with some witty way of talking about how adoption and gluten-free living shall go hand in hand. Something about how both painful rumblings in the belly or something. But since it is late, and I’m sleepy, I’ll just say that I know it is healthier for me to not eat the flour or try to get pregnant, but I will miss both of them for the rest of my life.

Just don’t know what to do with myself. . . November 12, 2006

Technically, we are matched with a potential birthmother.

You would think that after four years of wanting a baby, 2.5 years of actively trying to conceive, 1.5 years of fertility treatments, I would be a bit more excited about this concept. And I am, but I am also conflicted and worried that this might not be a good match, that maybe we are better off walking away when things are better. Yes I know how absolutely insane that sounds, and I can’t believe I am actually considering refusing a baby.

You can go ahead and hit me if you want too, as I am beating myself up as it is. Piling on would be understandable.

One of the hard parts of all this is what the potential birthmother wants. She has a definite plan for how she wants her birth to go. I can’t blame her at all for that, but I’m not sure I can do what she is asking of us. I feel so stupid for saying it, but there it is.

There are of course other layers to this. I have a biopsy this week to confirm the celiac diagnosis. I haven’t been able to go gluten-free yet as I need to keep my intestines in agony until that biopsy. I worry about the transition to GF, then having to mother an infant six weeks later. I worry about being able to induce lactation in the next six weeks. I so desperately want to experience breastfeeding, and I worry if I would have enough time.

Am I totally selfish for wanting more time? For wanting to be able to complete our homestudy and begin to nest and prepare? More than likely, the child we adopt will be our only child unless we can win the megamillions and afford another adoption. Is it wrong that I hoped to take more time preparing for it? That I want time to savor instead of running around like crazy??

On the other hand–a baby! In my arms in just a few weeks! All that I have ever wanted for so very long. In a situation that while challenging, certainly has a lot going for it. A situation that we might not see the likes of again. Will I really feel like we made the right choice in seven weeks when there is no sleeping infant beside me???

Is this normal new parent jitters? Or is this something deeper, that I should be trusting my gut, and walking away?

Hope is a drug November 9, 2006

Houston, we may have a situation.

We have no idea whether this hypothetical situation is going to work out or not. The hub is surprisingly positive about this. He is sure he’s going to be a dad pretty quickly here. Me, not so much. I’ve been around this road way too many times to actually believe that things shall come to pass, even though after a helluva roller coaster ride this week, they just might.

On the other hand, there is something different about me these days. There is a smile on my face most of the time, a palpable joy I can feel in my veins. True to my expectations, things went awry with our situation, but that joy is still there. Unlike the treatment roller coaster, a chance that things might not work out doesn’t end me over the edge. No seriously! For real! Because this plan, this path, this way will have a happy ending. I might not get to ever experience a pregnancy, and yes that is still sad to me. But I get to be a mom. I am going to be a mom! I don’t know exactly when, but it’s going to be sooner rather than later. Even if this one goes completely sideways, this hope is not going away.

There is work to be done, yesterday I got a parcel in the mail that will get me started on my path towards punk rocker status. We have homestudy stuff to finish. There isn’t time to mope right now about loss and infertility. For that I am so eternally grateful for adoption. I had no idea it would be like this.

True Confessions & Our daily blog November 7, 2006

So am I too late for this daily bloggy goodness? I mean knowing that I have missed the whole first week of this?

Let’s just say I’m fashionably late, yes?

I have a good excuse, because my hub just happened to have to go travel on business in Millie’s neck of the woods. Being that my career doesn’t travel well, I jumped at the chance to join a business trip. Especially since my business consisted of tasting wine and shopping.

I have to confess that I have returned home with lust in my heart. I am having constant impure thoughts about the OrbitBaby stroller.  It is ridiculously expensive but Just So Cool.  I’m sorely tempted.  I’m considering joining the church of the right wing hypocrite so I may acquire this stroller yet preach the word of frugality to my husband.  I may have a spare kidney around if true religion doesn’t work out.

I also say, that if you are an infertile, that you must go baby gear shopping with the lovely and talented Millie.  She educated the salespeople on said strollers. Those sales dudes were so gobsmacked with Miss Millie’s depth and breadth of knowledge that they forgot to notice that neither one of us was knocked up. They actually let the infertiles in! Can you imagine?

Coming up tomorrow: Adoption, it’s an E Ticket ride for sure!