Nipples of Fury January 29, 2007

I’m kind of digging this induced lactation gig.  It is forcing me to slow down and plan my life in three or four hour increments.  I think as pre-adoptive mom it is a good thing. I don’t have the physical changes that a woman who is 38 weeks pregnant would have.  I’m still sleeping through the night, I’m not getting up every few hours to pee.  I still walk at the same pace, my body does not know to prepare for carrying a small bundle of wee baby yet.

However, my breasts can tell you when it is time to be getting busy (HA! I typed busty first! Helloooooo Dr. Freud!)  My girls are rocking the house, and well the nips, if I may be so delicate, are at attention. A Lot.   The girls would also like to express (snort) their preference for the Pump In Style as opposed to the gargantuan behemoth that is the hospital grade pump.  Apparently I should have had this all along.

I don’t think I’ll have a huge supply, but I am glad I am at least giving it a try. Next big scary step:the supplemental nurser–Aiyeeeee!

Not much, just chillin’ January 27, 2007

We are entering into the limbo zone.  There is not a whole lot to do but wait. Which is ok because I’ve been doing nothing but waiting for about four years now.  But this is a different kind of wait. A holy shit this is probably going to really happen and I’m actually going to be a mom kind of wait. A wow my life is going to change forever kind of wait.

We are starting to make packing lists. Revising them often as we think about what we need, or what we can live without.  Sometimes we look at each other and get so excited that a child may be coming to us soon, other times we just freak out.

The boobs are working, the fabu stroller is waiting. Dare I really believe this is all going to work??

My brush with greatness January 24, 2007

The Hub has gotten very tired of me whining.

Lately I look around the blogosphere and I am seeing hints of my favorite time of year. True the daffodils and tulips are harbringers of spring, but not as much as the true sign of new life-Girl Scout Cookies.  I love Girl Scout Cookies. And not just because Samoas are the best thing ever, either.  I love Girl Scout Cookies, because I myself was a Girl Scout, from Brownies all the way up through high school. Let me tell you I had some mad cookie selling skills. I took top seller in my troop for 4 years running. My mom was even the district cookie rep one year and we had hundreds of cases of cookies in our garage. Girl Scout Cookies helped me go to camp and go to London.  Did I mention how delicious the Samoas are?

Except, being a celiac, I can’t have them anymore. Well, I technically I could, but the price just ain’t worth it to me.  Not surprisingly, the hub has tired of me whining about a future with no Samoas.  Last night he did a most successful diversionary tactic: date night at Gluten-Free Girl’s fiancee/chef’s restaurant.

Oh my stars, was it fabulous.  The space was gorgeous, right by the lake (which already had me thinking it may be the space for our little one’s first summer happy hour with his or her aunties) and the food, oh my god the food! Not only was it fantastic, but totally gluten-free, including the bread. People, I had bread in a restaurant!  I had a lovely celery-root potato soup (with bread! to mop up the goodness afterwards), followed by risotto and a polenta/portobello napoleon with the most delicious veggies. I even ate the beets!  The Hub had a Hunter’s Chicken Stew which he adored.  We sipped wine, then split creme brulee for dessert.

The best part was chatting up the famous Chef.  I tell you it was like meeting a rock star! He is super nice and perfectly wonderful. He didn’t even think me a weird internet stalker.  He even tried to persuade me that poached quail eggs were really tasty.  Next time I might have to be very daring and try those suckers out.

I might have to whine about Thin Mints just so I can go back soon.

Bebe’s guide to IVF January 22, 2007

Just. Don’t. Do. It.

Ha. I kid.  You might want to give it a try if you want to.  Just realize that the bullshit they feed you about high FSH, might not be bullshit after all.  Or to be more precise, they don’t know what the hell really affects the FSH or anything else that may be a bit more complicated.

I bring this up only because in going through our vast quantitites of medical bills to pass along to Uncle Sam, the Hub realized that today is the first anniversary of my lone IVF retrieval. Also known as perhaps one of the most uncomfortable, horrible experiences of my life. So in honor of that awful day I offer my tips for IVF:

• If your husband should accidentally stab himself in the knuckle with an IM needle,  try to be sympathetic rather than saying “Now imagine that in your ass, tough guy!”
• If you accidentally leave your Lupron out of the fridge for a few hours rather than refrigerating immediately after your Lupron injection, it will be okay honest.
• If you call a drug company and Brooke Shields answers the phone, they can’t help you with the Lupron that has been out for three hours.
• If you call your RE and ask about the Lupron that has been out for three hours, he/she will think you are an idiot. He’ll be too nice to say so, but trust me, he’s an idiot.
• If some acupuncturist tells you not to take the tranquilizer before you go in for retrieval, because she usually relaxes people so much that they don’t need it, she’s lying.
• You don’t need 48 ounces of water to make your bladder full. Just sayin’.

In honor of this day, I have gone to the bathroom whenever the hell I want.  Pineapple for everyone!

Roller Coaster Continued January 21, 2007

We  haven’t heard from the Nice Pregnant Lady lately.  I am trusting our experience with her that she doesn’t always call when she says she will, but when she does call things are fine.  The Hub, on the other hand, is getting very worried.  He thought we should contact her today just to check in.

We did, and though we only connected briefly, now Hub is even more worried.  The Nice Pregnant Lady told us there were things she needed to talk about with us and she would call us later.  I am hoping that it is just another question like there have been before. Hub thinks this is more of an Ominous Sign. He is very worried about this adoption plan falling through, that she will change her mind, just when he is feeling he has been able to let his guard down and feel hopeful and excited that maybe a baby really will be coming into our lives.

I don’t know where The Nice Pregnant Lady is at, I don’t know what her questions are for us or what she would like to discuss with us. I’m feeling kind of zen about things right now. Or maybe it is just freakishly large amounts of denial.  Either way, I know she cares enough about this baby and has thought so much about her path that she will make the right choice for her and her baby.  She will either decide to parent or she won’t. We wouldn’t be the first hopeful adoptive parents to have a match fall through.

You all will remind me of this state of zen/denial if everything goes to hell won’t you? Or at least bring along a few strong alcoholic libations for the aftermath, right?

Boob Ambvialence January 17, 2007

Hee. I’m just gonna put boob in my title and watch my stats go up.

So the induced lactation. It’s technically working, but I’m getting how worried abobut how well this will all be working.  The girls are producing, alas it is a very small amount. I can see it turning me into a pumping junkie-there’s the anticipation of how much will I get, then the rush of actually seeing my body do something it was meant to do, then the letdown of afterwards when I think that’s it? That’s all I did? Rinse. Repeat.

Now mind you, I understand I am a wee bit impatient about all of this. I’m an Aries girl, and well, we aren’t exactly known for patience. But I am also realizing I am getting tantalizingly close to either ramping up this induced lactation or just stopping altogether.  I haven’t picked up the herbs yet, and I haven’t even ordered any kind of supplemental nursing device.  I want to do this, but I’m also nervous and scared about it.Part of it means that I have faith I will actually be a mom, and gosh that seems like a big leap sometimes.

The Center of Life January 16, 2007

Over at alittlepregnant they are talking about the Abraham Center of Life and their embryo “adoption program”.  I can’t resist throwing my two cents in.

You see, the Abraham Center (yes named after the biblical Abe) swears that they don’t adopt out embryos like other flaky businesses. Even though you can fill out their form about adopting donated embryos.   You too can get a good looking, smart embryo (or two!) for your very own from the world’s first embryo bank.

Between this and the stem cell research protesters I get so annoyed.  I hate that people equate embryo donation with adopting.  Having done both the donor process and the adoption process, I cringe at the thought of embryos being “adopted”. I would hate to go through homestudy for an embryo that would may or may not become a baby.  And with my luck and experience, may not become a baby is the correct answer. I have a much different relationship with The Nice Pregnant Lady Who Would Like Us To Parent Her Child than I did with our egg donor.  We sent a nice gift to our donor, and we heard she liked it, and we would have been eternally grateful, but that was about it.  The Nice Pregnant Lady? We talk a couple of times a week, we are working on making things work for a lifetime relationship.

I think the nature of the two leads to two very different terms.  The embryo adopters don’t seem to understand the nuances of either of these terms and it drives me freaking nuts!

Great Googly Moogly January 13, 2007

I faced my fear with the Breast Pump Of Enormous Size, and tried it out. First time, nothing much. Then today, there was actually milk coming out of the girls! Definitely not enough to provide any sustenance to anyone larger than a gnat.  I am shocked and amazed that there actually may be something to this induced lactation. And even more shocked and amazed that my body may actually do what it is supposed to do.  I’m not used to such success.

In other news, the nice pregnant lady who (still) wants us to parent her child has called to let us know that her health care provider has told her if she goes into labor, they won’t do anything to stop it. So there might be a baby in our future very soon like.

Obviously I have entered into some parallel universe where good things happen.  hopefully I won’t do anything to blow my cover.

About a boob January 10, 2007

Well more specifically, mine.

I’m standing here on the precipice of adoptive breastfeeding, and well I’m not so sure I want to make the jump.  Being the good little overachiever I am, I’ve done everything “right”.  Ordered drugs from foreign country, shipped via exotic location of previous season of Survivor? Check. Conusulted with pregnant lady who wants us to parent her child to make sure she’s cool with the idea? Check.  Noticed certain changes in the cleavage? Check.  Rented massive hospital grade monstrosity that is going to suck the life out of me? Check.  Brought said monstrosity into my house, let alone hook it up to the girls? Yeah, notsomuch.

I took one look at that sucker and got a little green around the gills.  It didn’t help that the super crunchy woman in the super crunchy baby shop my super crunchy town was nice until I asked about bottles she recommended. I tried to explain that well the hub and I would be two thousand miles away from home in a hotel room with a hungry infant, and dammit we might need some back-up. All I got in return was a condescending sniff and the pitying look. “You must not have really talked with your lactation consultant yet.”

People, I am tired of explaining my plight. I’m tired of advocating for myself with distracted doctors and crabby nurses and well-meaning acupuncturists and spacey social workers.  I really don’t want to have to deal with lactivists who don’t get that adoptive breastfeeding might be just a wee bit hard and some extra support might just be needed.

The whole episode has just bugged me, and the realization of just how freaking hard this will be is dawning on me.  Would I love to nurse? Oh my god yes. Am I willing to strap on contraptions in the middle of the night to feed a child? I don’t know.  I so wanted to do this-to have something of the pregnancy/birthing/nursing experience. But wow. I don’t know if it is doable. Which makes me very sad.

Thinking about mothers January 3, 2007

How do I say this delicately?

I don’t think I can, actually, so I will just say it indelicately. Sometimes birthmothers freak me out.

I’m so glad that they have.  I am so grateful that there are women out there who blog their stories. I confess, I’ve lurked, I’ve freaked, and then I’ve returned. Because I think it is so important that I do return, to really have some grasp of what goes on when in a mother’s mind when she places her child. It’s given me a sense of compassion, and empathy. Hopefully it will help me be a better adoptive parent.  It has already helped the hub and I try our very best to do right by the pregnant woman who for right now would like us to parent her child.  Because of birthmother blogs, we’ve been able to talk to her about not feeling like she would disappoint us if she changes her mind-that we want this to be her choice to not feel pressure. We understand that if we say we want openness, we damn well better follow through with it over the years.

I know there are anti-adoption people out there who may stumble by this blog, who hate the fact that we are adopting. All I can say is that the members of our new and fragile triad have had crappy cards dealt to them, but we like and respect each other enough to try to build something beautiful out of them.

So thanks for freaking me out and making me think.