It seems some people close to me are kind of freaking out about this open adoption business. I casually mentioned that I still chat frequently with the boy’s birth mother. I’m pretty proud of that fact, that the boy’s birthmother and I are still talking, openly and honestly about topics from the boy to reality tv.
I didn’t expect the freakout I got. Well, not necessarily a freak out, but definitely concern. I’ve had several extended family members tell me that it is time for space, and I need to step away so she can move on with her life. That really I’m getting too close and it is getting a little weird and uncomfortable for them.
I’m distressed by this partly because I truly like the boy’s birthmom. She’s a good person and I have really enjoyed getting to know her these past few months. I feel like we have a good friendly relationship, and I don’t feel comfortable stepping away from that right now. Also, (and this may be the part where folks are freaking out) she is having a hard time right now. If I can be helpful to her in any way, I feel that I need to do that. She is facing big grief and loss issues and right now she feels comfortable turning to me. That may change or it may not, but I don’t think it is bad to be supportive to her, and to encourage her to get help she needs.
I also worry that some family members of mine are trying to erase the connection between the boy and his birthmother, and they would probably feel more comfortable if there wasn’t a birthmother around at all. Maybe they’ve seen too many Lifetime movies. I’m not sure where all this “don’t get too close” is coming from, but I don’t like the doubt it is casting over our new little triad.
I’m glad we are still talking, his birthmom and I. Even if we get “too close” later, for now it seems to be working.
Thing is, even if you step away, it is a myth that birth parents are simply able to “move on” with their lives. The child that she placed with you will forever be a part of her life, her reality, and that fact, that child, has thus altered her life, her reality. That’s what those who are freaking out around you don’t realize. Moving on, to the outside public, involves just forgetting and marching on as though nothing has changed. Instead, moving on involves trying to figure out what your life now means while simultaneously trying to figure out what to do with that information.
My (placed) daughter’s Mom and I have an amazing relationship. She, too, was encouraged to step away. Instead, she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. We have an amazing, open and honest relationship (friendship). While I still push for reform (because our agency was anything but ethical), she understands that my beef with adoption has nothing to do with them and everything to do with a corrupt system.
Don’t let others dictate your relationship. You wouldn’t let others tell you how to be friends with someone else… so don’t let them neb-nose into this particular relationship either.
People (your family) may be concerned that she will change her mind and want your son back, which would of course be devastating for you. It sounds like they are trying to protect you. I wonder though, if in the future, she may find that it is too difficult for her to be so close to you and your family and need to pull away somewhat.
Your family has no right to put their comfort levels first. You need to do what feels right to you.
Well, I know I’m not your family, but I think it’s wonderful that you are able to have that connection with your munchkin’s firstmom. So tell those folks that a random stranger on the internet thinks they should stuff it!
Sounds to me like there is no textbook answer here, so the best you can do is do what you’re doing and make the decision that feels right to you right now. If that is staying close, then go right ahead.
I hope the boy is doing well.
Go with your heart. Ask your family what they are afraid of, but do what you have to do for you and your son and his mom. No one can deny that the three of you are connected.
Open adoptions can work. I am glad that they can. We are spending memorial day with the birth family and a big cookout! Contacted the birthmom just this am. Things are cool.
Family is funny sometimes, but being open helps everyone in the long run *imho*
A complete stranger’s two cents about open adoption:
My daughter’s birthmother chose to stop contact with us when my daughter was around 4 years old, because of pressure to do so. Eight years later, she’s found she cannot “just move on”, and my child is having a meeting, in a few weeks, that she has been begging God for for at least three years.
It’s the unknowns that terrify or tantalize us. The more our children know about where they came from, the healthier we all are.