Bebe’s guide to IVF January 22, 2007

Just. Don’t. Do. It.

Ha. I kid.  You might want to give it a try if you want to.  Just realize that the bullshit they feed you about high FSH, might not be bullshit after all.  Or to be more precise, they don’t know what the hell really affects the FSH or anything else that may be a bit more complicated.

I bring this up only because in going through our vast quantitites of medical bills to pass along to Uncle Sam, the Hub realized that today is the first anniversary of my lone IVF retrieval. Also known as perhaps one of the most uncomfortable, horrible experiences of my life. So in honor of that awful day I offer my tips for IVF:

• If your husband should accidentally stab himself in the knuckle with an IM needle,  try to be sympathetic rather than saying “Now imagine that in your ass, tough guy!”
• If you accidentally leave your Lupron out of the fridge for a few hours rather than refrigerating immediately after your Lupron injection, it will be okay honest.
• If you call a drug company and Brooke Shields answers the phone, they can’t help you with the Lupron that has been out for three hours.
• If you call your RE and ask about the Lupron that has been out for three hours, he/she will think you are an idiot. He’ll be too nice to say so, but trust me, he’s an idiot.
• If some acupuncturist tells you not to take the tranquilizer before you go in for retrieval, because she usually relaxes people so much that they don’t need it, she’s lying.
• You don’t need 48 ounces of water to make your bladder full. Just sayin’.

In honor of this day, I have gone to the bathroom whenever the hell I want.  Pineapple for everyone!

Roller Coaster Continued January 21, 2007

We  haven’t heard from the Nice Pregnant Lady lately.  I am trusting our experience with her that she doesn’t always call when she says she will, but when she does call things are fine.  The Hub, on the other hand, is getting very worried.  He thought we should contact her today just to check in.

We did, and though we only connected briefly, now Hub is even more worried.  The Nice Pregnant Lady told us there were things she needed to talk about with us and she would call us later.  I am hoping that it is just another question like there have been before. Hub thinks this is more of an Ominous Sign. He is very worried about this adoption plan falling through, that she will change her mind, just when he is feeling he has been able to let his guard down and feel hopeful and excited that maybe a baby really will be coming into our lives.

I don’t know where The Nice Pregnant Lady is at, I don’t know what her questions are for us or what she would like to discuss with us. I’m feeling kind of zen about things right now. Or maybe it is just freakishly large amounts of denial.  Either way, I know she cares enough about this baby and has thought so much about her path that she will make the right choice for her and her baby.  She will either decide to parent or she won’t. We wouldn’t be the first hopeful adoptive parents to have a match fall through.

You all will remind me of this state of zen/denial if everything goes to hell won’t you? Or at least bring along a few strong alcoholic libations for the aftermath, right?

Boob Ambvialence January 17, 2007

Hee. I’m just gonna put boob in my title and watch my stats go up.

So the induced lactation. It’s technically working, but I’m getting how worried abobut how well this will all be working.  The girls are producing, alas it is a very small amount. I can see it turning me into a pumping junkie-there’s the anticipation of how much will I get, then the rush of actually seeing my body do something it was meant to do, then the letdown of afterwards when I think that’s it? That’s all I did? Rinse. Repeat.

Now mind you, I understand I am a wee bit impatient about all of this. I’m an Aries girl, and well, we aren’t exactly known for patience. But I am also realizing I am getting tantalizingly close to either ramping up this induced lactation or just stopping altogether.  I haven’t picked up the herbs yet, and I haven’t even ordered any kind of supplemental nursing device.  I want to do this, but I’m also nervous and scared about it.Part of it means that I have faith I will actually be a mom, and gosh that seems like a big leap sometimes.

The Center of Life January 16, 2007

Over at alittlepregnant they are talking about the Abraham Center of Life and their embryo “adoption program”.  I can’t resist throwing my two cents in.

You see, the Abraham Center (yes named after the biblical Abe) swears that they don’t adopt out embryos like other flaky businesses. Even though you can fill out their form about adopting donated embryos.   You too can get a good looking, smart embryo (or two!) for your very own from the world’s first embryo bank.

Between this and the stem cell research protesters I get so annoyed.  I hate that people equate embryo donation with adopting.  Having done both the donor process and the adoption process, I cringe at the thought of embryos being “adopted”. I would hate to go through homestudy for an embryo that would may or may not become a baby.  And with my luck and experience, may not become a baby is the correct answer. I have a much different relationship with The Nice Pregnant Lady Who Would Like Us To Parent Her Child than I did with our egg donor.  We sent a nice gift to our donor, and we heard she liked it, and we would have been eternally grateful, but that was about it.  The Nice Pregnant Lady? We talk a couple of times a week, we are working on making things work for a lifetime relationship.

I think the nature of the two leads to two very different terms.  The embryo adopters don’t seem to understand the nuances of either of these terms and it drives me freaking nuts!

Great Googly Moogly January 13, 2007

I faced my fear with the Breast Pump Of Enormous Size, and tried it out. First time, nothing much. Then today, there was actually milk coming out of the girls! Definitely not enough to provide any sustenance to anyone larger than a gnat.  I am shocked and amazed that there actually may be something to this induced lactation. And even more shocked and amazed that my body may actually do what it is supposed to do.  I’m not used to such success.

In other news, the nice pregnant lady who (still) wants us to parent her child has called to let us know that her health care provider has told her if she goes into labor, they won’t do anything to stop it. So there might be a baby in our future very soon like.

Obviously I have entered into some parallel universe where good things happen.  hopefully I won’t do anything to blow my cover.

About a boob January 10, 2007

Well more specifically, mine.

I’m standing here on the precipice of adoptive breastfeeding, and well I’m not so sure I want to make the jump.  Being the good little overachiever I am, I’ve done everything “right”.  Ordered drugs from foreign country, shipped via exotic location of previous season of Survivor? Check. Conusulted with pregnant lady who wants us to parent her child to make sure she’s cool with the idea? Check.  Noticed certain changes in the cleavage? Check.  Rented massive hospital grade monstrosity that is going to suck the life out of me? Check.  Brought said monstrosity into my house, let alone hook it up to the girls? Yeah, notsomuch.

I took one look at that sucker and got a little green around the gills.  It didn’t help that the super crunchy woman in the super crunchy baby shop my super crunchy town was nice until I asked about bottles she recommended. I tried to explain that well the hub and I would be two thousand miles away from home in a hotel room with a hungry infant, and dammit we might need some back-up. All I got in return was a condescending sniff and the pitying look. “You must not have really talked with your lactation consultant yet.”

People, I am tired of explaining my plight. I’m tired of advocating for myself with distracted doctors and crabby nurses and well-meaning acupuncturists and spacey social workers.  I really don’t want to have to deal with lactivists who don’t get that adoptive breastfeeding might be just a wee bit hard and some extra support might just be needed.

The whole episode has just bugged me, and the realization of just how freaking hard this will be is dawning on me.  Would I love to nurse? Oh my god yes. Am I willing to strap on contraptions in the middle of the night to feed a child? I don’t know.  I so wanted to do this-to have something of the pregnancy/birthing/nursing experience. But wow. I don’t know if it is doable. Which makes me very sad.

Thinking about mothers January 3, 2007

How do I say this delicately?

I don’t think I can, actually, so I will just say it indelicately. Sometimes birthmothers freak me out.

I’m so glad that they have.  I am so grateful that there are women out there who blog their stories. I confess, I’ve lurked, I’ve freaked, and then I’ve returned. Because I think it is so important that I do return, to really have some grasp of what goes on when in a mother’s mind when she places her child. It’s given me a sense of compassion, and empathy. Hopefully it will help me be a better adoptive parent.  It has already helped the hub and I try our very best to do right by the pregnant woman who for right now would like us to parent her child.  Because of birthmother blogs, we’ve been able to talk to her about not feeling like she would disappoint us if she changes her mind-that we want this to be her choice to not feel pressure. We understand that if we say we want openness, we damn well better follow through with it over the years.

I know there are anti-adoption people out there who may stumble by this blog, who hate the fact that we are adopting. All I can say is that the members of our new and fragile triad have had crappy cards dealt to them, but we like and respect each other enough to try to build something beautiful out of them.

So thanks for freaking me out and making me think.

Auld Lang Syne, At last December 31, 2006

Happy Freakin’ New Year.

For myself and many of my sisters in arms 2006 has sucked great giant donkey balls. Alas one thing that this beeyotch of a year has taught me is to never, never, say “Well, this new year can’t possibly be worse than this last year.”  Because that is when fate/universe/karma/deity of your choice just snickers, laughs, and throws you curveballs like you never anticipated.

And so I offer my hope that 2007 will be different for you and yours.  That somehow you can reach into your stores of hope, that your strength holds you through another round of battle, that the challenges are smaller and the joys all the sweeter.  May you find peace, and maybe, just maybe may all of our dreams come true.

Her small heart grew three sizes that day December 20, 2006

We are matched with a birthmother.  It is the most perfect Christmas present I could have ever received.  The dreading of the holidays is filled with joy and awe at this amazing woman who has chosen us to parent her child.

I’ve tried to tell her so many times to please not to feel pressure, please do not worry about disappointing us, that she can still change her mind, and we will understand. I so desperately do not want her to feel coerced, to make sure this is what she wants.  She laughs and tells me she is not changing her mind, to tell whomever I’d like that my child is coming soon.

I’m working on letting go of my inner grinch, and embracing the miracle of the season. For unto us a child (might) be born.  I cannot quite believe it, but i can’t quite stop grinning either.

Oh no they didn’t December 12, 2006

Imagine the scene, me bubbly and happy in my adoption bliss. OK a bit sad because The Naked Ovary is closing down, but overall I’m in a pretty good state of mind.

I get home and turn on a little television to procrastinate from swiffering the house in preparation for my Resolve group gathering and what should I see but an ad from my good old RE. Now in my town, there have been a lot of shake-ups in RE world over the past year or so. It’s worse than Survivor with the shifting alliances and changing of camps.  So I suppose it was only a matter of time before my good old RE had to use my hard earned money for television ads as opposed to  a new speedboat our something. Not that he hasn’t already spent all of my money already, but you know what I mean.

Imagine my surprise to see Dr. Sweetiepie there at his desk talking to a blonde woman who likes a bit like their new receptionist. Obviously the woman who looks like their new receptionist isn’t a total failure or a donor egg candidate, as there is no kleenex in the usual spot in Dr. Sweetiepie’s office.

Cut then to a nicely lit ultrasound monitor with Dr. HardlyEverThere explaining the ins and outs of some ovarian looking shot to. . . .my favorite nurse? I stop and think, wait a minute Favorite Nurse has a kid, she doesn’t need IV. . .ohhhh. Oh no they did not.  They made Favorite Nurse pretend to be a fertility patient!

Too bad they didn’t shoe Nurse Evil stabbing herself in the stomach with Gonal-F.  I would have paid good money for that one.

Makes a girl glad she is adopting, that’s for damn sure.