Waitin’ on the world to change February 11, 2007

Last year at this time the Hub and I were mourning our BFN from our only IVF cycle that had my eggs on board. We were grief stricken even though everyone told us we would never get pregnant what with my FSH and his malfunctioning sperm.  I had spent six months doing everything under the sun to have a successful IVF. The failure was heartbreaking and hub and I set off to my BIL’s condo in Arizona to map out our next move.

We spent our time right before Valentine’s day mourning. We would walk around in a daze, alternating between firm resolution and crushing doubt.  Would we ever be parents? Would we even still be together after the ups and downs, not to mention the bills?

Now, a year later, we are in a hotel room in the middle of the country. We had many, many more tears and spent many more days wavering between firm resolution and crushing doubt. The bills mounted up, but the hub and I have grown deeper towards each other, forging a marriage stronger than I could have ever thought. We have all those ironic gifts of infertility my therapist keeps talking about

A year ago, my husband was trying to hold back tears as he helped dry mine. Today he is excitedly pacing the floor, waiting for his child to be born.

Where’s a sherpa when you need one? February 5, 2007

Let’s just say, hypothetically of course, that myself and the Hub have done a little traveling. It’s the kind of traveling that marks auspicious changes in one’s life. The kind of traveling where you realize that no, you cannot rent the cheapy economy car anymore. If your significant other is anything like mine, you know how traumatizing this can be for the family cheapskate, budget conscious American.

The Hub grudgingly signed the paperwork for a mid-size car, whilst I gleefully went on my merry way towards a comfy car with lots of legroom. All was well, until we started loading, and gulp, realized there was a significant lack of space incredibly quickly.

And lo, it was then the Hub’s turn to gloat, as the kindly rental car dude could only give us one option when we dragged our significant amount of baggage back to his counter. A mini-van.

Holy fucking crap. I’m cruising around in a mini-van. For a wee person who will probably be riding around, but then again may not, with us, I’m in a mini-van. Me, the person who swore never, ever EVER to be seen in a mini-van.

We may not recover from this trauma for a loooooooong time. Although rumor has it that satellite radio is on board. . . .

Not much, just chillin’ January 27, 2007

We are entering into the limbo zone.  There is not a whole lot to do but wait. Which is ok because I’ve been doing nothing but waiting for about four years now.  But this is a different kind of wait. A holy shit this is probably going to really happen and I’m actually going to be a mom kind of wait. A wow my life is going to change forever kind of wait.

We are starting to make packing lists. Revising them often as we think about what we need, or what we can live without.  Sometimes we look at each other and get so excited that a child may be coming to us soon, other times we just freak out.

The boobs are working, the fabu stroller is waiting. Dare I really believe this is all going to work??

Auld Lang Syne, At last December 31, 2006

Happy Freakin’ New Year.

For myself and many of my sisters in arms 2006 has sucked great giant donkey balls. Alas one thing that this beeyotch of a year has taught me is to never, never, say “Well, this new year can’t possibly be worse than this last year.”  Because that is when fate/universe/karma/deity of your choice just snickers, laughs, and throws you curveballs like you never anticipated.

And so I offer my hope that 2007 will be different for you and yours.  That somehow you can reach into your stores of hope, that your strength holds you through another round of battle, that the challenges are smaller and the joys all the sweeter.  May you find peace, and maybe, just maybe may all of our dreams come true.

Why I have a lot of work to do if we adopt transracially December 9, 2006

Let’s just have a purely hypothetical situation.  Suppose (hypothetically of course) that I work in a place where I am vastly outnumbered by surly teenagers.   You could also assume that perhaps I may also work with the frazzled parents of surly teenagers from time to time.

Yesterday I dealt with a  particularly surly teenager and her particularly frazzled parent.  The surly one happens to be biracial, while her frazzled parent is white.  She argued with us white folks that she couldn’t possibly stay because her hair was awful.  We WF’s assumed it was just another ploy in a long line of ploys and didn’t give in.

Then as I was escorting the teen to where she needed to be, one of her friends (who happens to be black) came up to her absolutely, positively horrified, hugged her tightly and demanded:

“Your hair! What is wrong with your hair??!”

Oh. My.  Clearly I missed that anything would be wrong. To me, her hair looked fine, but it obviously wasn’t.  Now I am usually pride myself on being pretty racially sensitive, and I know about The Hair Issue, but I am humbled by the fact I totally missed it here.  Very, very humbled indeed.

There must be something to say December 7, 2006

Not sure what though, as I’m in one of those real life is busy kind of spaces.  I have lots of posts kicking around in my brain.  Big things like preparing for life as an adoptive parent, and racial equities and non-equities.  Little things like what in the world does one get one’s step-brother-in-law who has everything.  And things like FedEx’s ex-what was she thinking??

The gluten-free diet is actually going quite well which makes me wish I had done a farewell tour more like Barbra rather than the Stones. I’ve had one or two inadvertent slip-ups which I paid dearly for. All in all though life as a celiac isn’t too bad. Thankfully, they have not declared wine full of gluten, so I am a happy girl.

The adoptive breast feeding plans are also proceeding. I’m using the Newman-Goldfarb protocol and well, I’m feeling pretty dang boobalicious lately.  I can’t say I’ve ever been aware of the girls before, but well now, what can I say-they are there!

Gratitude November 26, 2006

First the good:

Thanksgiving was a lovely time. Just the hub and me. I decided after much dithering to go gluten-free for the holiday. It turned out to be an excellent decision on my part, as we had lots of yummy holiday treats, and I did not feel gross at all. Especially lovely was the Sweet Potato Cranberry Bake which was fab, and the equally delish Pumpkin Butter Gooey Cakes (with gluten-free cake mix, natch). Although fortunately I went with the lovely blogger This Little Piglet instead of the supah annoying Paula Deen and went with less sugar. Next time I think I’ll add even more pumpkin. Luckily The Hub aka Pickiest Eater In The Land enjoyed it as well. We didn’t even miss the stuffing!

The Hub and I enjoyed our holiday just the two of us. After the losses of this year, we weren’t really in the mood for flying all over the country to visit with family. We talked a bit about being thankful, although honestly we are thankful this crappy year is almost over. Then the Hub did all the dishes, which sent me to new levels of being grateful for him.

We spent the rest of the weekend recovering from colds and knitting (me) and puttering around the house and watching football (he). We managed to catch the new James Bond movie, where we both got plenty of eye candy. Now we are working on *gasp* getting ready for our homestudy visit later this week.

Mostly I spent the weekend pondering the fact that even though my life is nothing like I hoped and planned, there are small gifts like dishes done or hot movie stars or sudden unexpected snowfall, and I can be grateful for those little things.

True Confessions & Our daily blog November 7, 2006

So am I too late for this daily bloggy goodness? I mean knowing that I have missed the whole first week of this?

Let’s just say I’m fashionably late, yes?

I have a good excuse, because my hub just happened to have to go travel on business in Millie’s neck of the woods. Being that my career doesn’t travel well, I jumped at the chance to join a business trip. Especially since my business consisted of tasting wine and shopping.

I have to confess that I have returned home with lust in my heart. I am having constant impure thoughts about the OrbitBaby stroller.  It is ridiculously expensive but Just So Cool.  I’m sorely tempted.  I’m considering joining the church of the right wing hypocrite so I may acquire this stroller yet preach the word of frugality to my husband.  I may have a spare kidney around if true religion doesn’t work out.

I also say, that if you are an infertile, that you must go baby gear shopping with the lovely and talented Millie.  She educated the salespeople on said strollers. Those sales dudes were so gobsmacked with Miss Millie’s depth and breadth of knowledge that they forgot to notice that neither one of us was knocked up. They actually let the infertiles in! Can you imagine?

Coming up tomorrow: Adoption, it’s an E Ticket ride for sure!

So many things, so little time. . . October 30, 2006

• I’ll just say it. I’m sad that Reese & Ryan are splitting up, but not surprised. I saw those photos from Ryan’s movie premiere last week, and they Did. Not. Look. Happy. Not at all. Which also makes me wonder if it is a case of the hub not being able to stand a more successful wife. Or maybe not-what do I know?
• I’d also like to thank Jason Bateman for stealing one of the girl’s names I’ve always loved. It’s not like an infertile doesn’t have all their names poached already! Sigh. At least little Francesca will prove that you can have a fab Italian first name with a totally WASPish last name.
• Dear Birthmother letters suck ass. They seem so stilted and unreal, and well just a bit creepy. I so wish that writing one wasn’t necessary to domestic adoption. I wish there was a more authentic way for potential birthparents and hopeful adoptive parents to get together and find out about each other.
• Writing DBM letters reallyreallyfast sucks as well. Especially when your husband is rolling his eyes at you saying that you must pick some pictures out even though you would prefer to include pictures of Heidi K!um because you look like Bimba, Whale of the Nile in all your photos.
• Gluten-free biscotti=yay! Gluten-free bread=boo! We’re taking the gradual taper down method of Gluten-free living here. There was a Wheat farewell tour last week, but much like the Stones, the wheat refuses to completely go away from my diet. Why exactly I’ve been put on a restrictive diet for the rest of my life when I’ve never been able to handle a restrictive diet with cheating ever is beyond me.
• Only a couple more days until we take a little getaway to Millie’s neck of the woods. huzzah!

Cheaper than therapy? October 13, 2006

OK maybe not.

But people, I highly highly recommend (did I spell that right? That word and inconvienence always throw me) a little shopping on the big O to numb the grieving infertile’s heart. Dude did you know they sell furniture there? And cheap yet stylish furniture to boot? Furniture that just happens to be perfect for one’s new living room look and complements the new floors? Embies may not live here, but new chairs sure as hell do.

I also happen to have a new boyfriend in da house. He is a little short, and very exotic. His name is Mr. Bento and as soon as I learn kanji, we are going to be very, very happy together.

Now I’m off to see what other things I can do to stimulate the economy.